AMHERST, Ma. – After receiving an anonymous complaint about a potentially biohazardous odor emanating from Hampshire College’s Robert Crown Center, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s HAZMAT unit raided and shut down what turned out to be the school’s annual Student-Alumni Career Fair on Friday.
CDC officials attribute the offending odor to a high concentration of professional and aspiring farmers in the same space at the same time. Said CDC spokesman Brian Jacobs, “To prevent future incidents of this kind, we recommend that such events adhere more strictly to fire code. If for some reason a building must exceed capacity, we ask that at least half of those inside have or desire real jobs.”
Hunter St. James, a junior Applied Irony major who attended the fair, offered an account of the experience:
“It was kind of a nightmare. The main lecture, ‘What to Expect When You’re Rejecting the System,’ was just starting and then they kicked the doors down. When they brought out the hoses everybody started running for the same exit and that’s when the clumping started.”
The “clumping” St. James referred to was caused by an “astounding” number of white students with dreadlocks in the Crown Center at the time of the evacuation, according to an official CDC statement. “When you have that many Caucasian dreadlocks in close proximity, you’re playing with fire,” explained Jacobs. “There was just no way we could have anticipated it.” The cluster of 72 students and alumni attached at the scalp blocked the Crown Center’s exit and caused six hospitalizations. No legal action is expected at this time, but a group of Hampshire students have scheduled a bathing mutiny until further notice.