AMHERST, Ma. – An enraged college Director of Media Relations Caroline Hanna refused to distribute the Amherst College e-Digest Wednesday, plunging the liberal arts college into chaos as students, faculty, and staff struggled helplessly to determine the week’s announcements, meetings, and events.
“This institution has failed to recognize the power I wield,” read a statement attributed to Hanna in the all-college email that would typically report the week’s on-campus developments. “Suffer in your ignorance.”
Amherst IT staff attempted to manually reconstruct a listing of the week’s events, scouring college records and listservs for scheduled activities, but determined that all data sources eventually traced back to Caroline Hanna.
Meanwhile, college police struggled to maintain order on the New England campus, with officers arriving at Stirn Auditorium at 3:15 p.m. only to find that a dimly recalled Campus Community Hour had apparently been rescheduled. ”It’s just a goddam suicide mission now,” said Amherst Chief of Police John Carter at an under-publicized news conference. ”This is worse than ‘Nam.”
“Who am I? Why am I here?” asked a disoriented Amherst College President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin.
Reports indicate that only the German Kaffeeklatsch group was able to successfully communicate to its group members that the German Kaffeeklatsch meeting would go on as planned.
“We’re just trying to make do,” said Bette Abrams-Esche, an Administrative Assistant in the Dean of Faculty Office, standing outside the locked door to the Dean of the Faculty Office. Abrams-Esche indicated that she planned to take a short bathroom break but would return to aggressively banging on the door to the office she has been unable to access since mid-day Wednesday.
Abrams-Esche acknowledged she was unaware where the office keys could be. “Only e-Digest would know.”
The Amherst College Career Center said they were suffering no adverse effects from the crisis, reporting operations were progressing normally and that they felt organized as ever.