Schwemm’s Grill Fuming; Demands 10PM Shut Down


Trained staff massage The Grill with a mix of warming and cooling liquids

AMHERST, Ma. – Schwemm’s Cash Operations Manager Rosa Gomes announced Sunday that The Grill at Schwemm’s Coffee House will now close at 10PM Sunday through Wednesday, and midnight Thursday through Saturday, beginning March 12, to accommodate what Ms. Gomes described as an “increasingly combative and disagreeable” Grill.

As currently configured, The Grill shuts down at 11PM, allowing staff to fastidiously monitor the machine for an hour as it slowly cools from temperatures in excess of 200 degrees Fahrenheit.  Trained staff go through a rigorous shut down procedure that features careful adjustments to highly powered hydraulic valves, gentle handling of flammable materials, aggressive scrubbing of metallic parts, and the pushing an on/off switch.  At 11:30PM, staff congregate to start the daily sacrifice ritual for The Grill, usually comprised of at least two deli sandwiches and a muffin or Smartfood offering.

According to Gomes, The Grill, which has always tested the patience of the staff at Schwemm’s, became increasingly disagreeable in January, when it started to reject certain grill orders, and demanded a more rigorous massage after cleanup.

“We waited as long as we could to keep The Grill open until 11PM daily,” said a clearly downtrodden Gomes.  “But The Grill has simply forced our hand.  We have no choice but to oblige our little machine.  The future of non-deli sandwiches at Schwemm’s Coffee House hangs in the balance.”

Gomes assured patrons that other items will still be available until the midnight closing time on weeknights (2AM on weekends), but noted that on AAS-sponsored pub nights, grill drinks and liqueurs will also stop being served after 10PM for those over 21.

In response to criticisms that the staff should negotiate with The Grill, and complaints about the lack of late night warm food options, Ms. Gomes assured patrons that Schwemm’s loses hundreds of thousands of dollars every year, with or without a functional grill.