NAIROBI, Kenya. – The Amherst College Department of Affairs International Bureau is proud to announce the election of Uhuru Kenyatta ’85E to the Kenyan Presidency following a tightly-contested, and almost certainly fraudulent, election. Kenyatta will become the Fourth President of the Republic of Kenya on March 26th following the private execution of his political rival, Raila Odinga, and the more public slaughter of several other suspicious members of his campaign team.
This election caps a spectacular political turnaround for Kenyatta, who was forced to resign from his position as Finance Minister in January 2012 after the International Criminal Court (ICC) reconfirmed charges of crimes against humanity. Kenyatta has repeatedly dismissed summons to appear before the ICC to address charges related to violence following the 2007 Presidential election that conveniently killed between 800-1,500 of his party’s political rivals.
Kenyatta majored in political science and graduated from the College in 1985. The son of the First President and founding father of the Kenyan nation, Jomo Kenyatta, the former AAS Treasurer credits his hard work, keen political insight, and the true political meritocracy in his country, for his ascendancy to the Kenyan presidency.
Though Kenyatta has fond memories of his time at Amherst, “the place where I developed the skills needed to succeed against electoral odds and live a true life of consequence,” he is unsure when he will next “sneak back” to his alma mater. In addition to the ICC’s “spurious” claims, Kenyatta faces censure, in absentia, from the Amherst College Judiciary Committee regarding his involvement in the Pond Annexation of 1983 and the subsequent cleansing of the campus’ ethnic Tutsis.