Boykin-East Recalled to Salt Lake City in Wake of Schwemm’s Pub Night


SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Bishop Charri Boykin-East was ordered back to Salt Lake City Friday to face senior Mormon leaders following reports that she had failed to stop the Amherst College Schwemm’s Coffee House from serving beer and wine on Thursday.

“You have failed us again,” Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints President Thomas S. Monson told Boykin-East at a Church Office Building inquest.  The bishop was condemned by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles for allowing the liquor sale, in contravention of Church doctrine, after previously failing to eradicate every sexually intermixed party on campus.  Apostles Boyd Packer, L. Tom Perry, Russell Nelson, Dallin Oaks, M. Russell Ballard, Mitt Romney, Richard Scott, and Robert Hales were especially critical of the bishop’s performance, observing that she had failed to increase the popularity of CCTV-monitored O’Connor Commons as a party space and noting that her anti-beer-pong crackdown had only encouraged more-dangerous drinking in dorms.  ”I’m almost tempted to bring Tony back,” warned Packer.

Boykin-East responded apologetically, admitting her failure to employ “proactive countermeasures”  before secular-leftist Amherst administrators announced their pub-night plans to college youth.  However, the bishop urged the Quorum to recall her “interim achievement” in reducing campus social gatherings by 76 percent this year.  ”We’re truly making headway in the name of God,” Boykin-East told the body.

Apostles did at times strike a conciliatory tone, acknowledging the success of her strategy of providing only fragile condoms in dormitory bathrooms to facilitate natural insemination, as so ordered by the Lord.  But Church officials made clear that they expected Boykin-East to do more.  ”You were sent [to Amherst] for a mission,” said Monson at the end of the hearing.  ”I trust you’ll stay until the job is done.”