Amherst Elephants Offended by Insinuations of Sexual Misconduct

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AMHERST, Ma. – The Amherst College elephant community is trumpeting its disapproval of a wave of campus opinion pieces that imply that the giant land mammals are more likely than other species to commit sexual misconduct. In a public statement, Amherst College Elephant Society President Trunky Peanuts announced that the group “resents and rejects the false notion that elephants are somehow more likely to ‘be in your room.’” Peanuts added that “it’s bad enough everyone assumes we’re Republicans.”

Stampede Tuskersen, another member of the Amherst elephant community, took to Twitter to express his feelings more forcefully: “I’m stomping mad! Nobody realizes how hard it can be for a white elephant at this school. We’re never going to forget how we’ve been mistreated.” Tuskersen then used his trunk to spray Keystone Light into his own mouth.

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