‘I’ve Been Looking for That,’ President Reports
AMHERST, Ma. – Amherst College President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin found a Slim Jim sausage snack Monday that had been missing since October, reporting that the missing beef derivative had apparently remained underneath her office keyboard for over three months. “I’d noticed the keyboard had been wobbly for a while,” said Martin, “and I finally looked under it, and there [the Slim Jim] was.” The president expected that the Slim Jim, which remained mostly unconsumed upon discovery, would still be edible. “I don’t think those things expire,” Martin said, later announcing that the jerky stick had “stayed tasty.” Martin predicted the discovery would be the second-most exciting highlight of her day, after the impending firing of Greg Call this afternoon.