Self-Proclaimed ‘Socials Jesus’ Inebriates Five Hundred

Keystone Into Franzia, Other Miracles Reported


STONE DORMITORY, Amherst, Ma. – At a party in his suite last night, a mysterious Stone resident identifying himself only as “Socials Jesus” miraculously inebriated five hundred Amherst students with only five racks of Keystone and two handles of Rubinoff, official Amherst social life sources have confirmed.

“When he told me how big a party he wanted to have, I told him, bro, no way will that be enough alcohol” reports long-time friend and pong partner Matthew Markusen ’13. “But I shit you not, everyone there got fucking hammered.”

While Socials Jesus has gained much public recognition following the party, acquaintances of his suggest that the rager is just one of his many miracles performed. According to suitemate Luke Johnson ’14, “he once raised a keg from the dead. We were telling him how we’d been trying all night and it was just tapped out, but he just says to pump it one more time, and all of a sudden beer was flowing again like the keg was full.” Added Johnson, “it was pretty dope.”

Not all Amherst students are amused by the antics of Socials Jesus, however. Fellow Stone resident Judah Seymour ’14 expressed concerns with the figure’s supernatural ability to party, stating that, although the two are “sort of” friends, “if that guy throws one more party like that, I’m calling in a fucking noise complaint.”