Zu Residents Trampled at Black Friday Sale

Ironic ‘Escapade’ Turns Tragic as Students Unprepared for Hoboken Bargain-Hunters

THE MEADOWLANDS, N.J. – An ironic post-Thanksgiving adventure proved disastrous for several Amherst College students as three Humphries House residents were trampled by New Jersey shoppers at a Black Friday “doorbuster” sale.

Attempting to rush the entrance to the Victoria’s Secret at the American Dream Meadowlands mall, Nikki Breitbart ’15, Brendan Markell ’13E, and David Kettler ’14 were quickly overrun by an estimated nine thousand Hoboken residents desperate for special “Early Bird Savings” at the 3 a.m. opening of the lingerie retailer.

“I thought we were prepared with our folding chairs and thermoses,” said Markell from his bed at New York’s Mount Sinai Hospital, where he remained in stable condition. “It seems we underestimated New Jersey.”

Breitbart agreed the trio had not expected other shoppers to be armed with mace or pruning sheers, and that they had failed to account for the area’s Italian population. Breitbart was expected to receive a kidney transplant and second-hand alcohol detoxification by 9 p.m. Tuesday.

The residents confirmed they had not intended to purchase any lingerie and were instead attending the event “for shits and giggles.” They had also planned to ride the Central Park Carousel and attend a Lion King matinee during their day-trip, both ironically. Those plans were precluded by the group’s New Jersey catastrophe.

In response to the disaster, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R) issued a statement calling himself “pleased” that the trio had experienced “the best of New Jersey.”

The incident recalls the group’s disastrous attendance of a Wiggles concert in 2010. “That one really put everything in perspective,” said Kettler. “Those little fuckers were vicious.”