30 BOLTWOOD AVENUE, Amherst, Ma. – Students, professors, and administrators were enjoying what was described as an “otherwise quiet, peaceful” evening at the Lord Jeff Inn when former President Anthony “Tony” Marx stumbled into the multipurpose conference room.
“Hey, how’ya doing. You got a bathroom in this joint?”
Mr. Marx reportedly interrupted the first seating, and began stumbling around the room to find unassuming current students to socialize with. First-year Marisa Grossman said that she generally enjoyed her conversation with Mr. Marx, but had no idea who he was. “He was very charming,” she said. “But I’m not sure he was listening, because all he kept saying was, ‘that’s just wonderful’ and ‘good for you.’ I was talking about the sexual assault dialogue on campus this semester.”
After a brief bathroom hiatus, Mr. Marx reportedly dragged two large rectangular tables into the dining area and demanded that the 30Boltwood staff find him plastic cups. “What do you mean you only have glasses? This is a fucking college!” one student overheard.
The situation appeared to be under control until Mr. Marx demanded that he present a speech. The ten minute monologue, which featured many of Mr. Marx’s trademark pauses, touched on nothing of any relevance to the event or the college. “This is the place,” he started. “The college on the hill. The singing college. Terras Irradient. Giving the world light. Giving us the light,” he continued. Mr. Marx did not take kindly to the efforts to remove him from the stage, and began listing off his achievements as President as he was escorted out of the building.
This is not the first time Mr. Marx has been seen interrupting student activity on campus since his departure in 2011. Mr. Marx is still maligned for stealing the headset of head football coach E.J. Mills during the Amherst-Colby game on October 13th, and for injuring several students at the Fall Harvest Festival when he directed a hayride into the Geology Building.