Beneski Adds DVD Box Set of TV Show Bones to Fossil Collection


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AMHERST, MA – Following an anonymous alumni donation, Beneski Museum of Natural History completed its collection of long dead fossils this week by adding a full DVD box set of Bones. “Booth and Bones had incredible sexual tension,” museum educator Alfred Venne explained to an eager boy in his tour group. “They’re the key to this whole thing. They had a real will-they-won’t-they relationship in the earlier seasons that drove people capital-W Wild. Not to spoil too much, but they totally bang. Forget this fossil junk kid,” he said, resting a Season 1 Disk on a Dryosaurus rib. “This stuff right here is the real deal.”

When asked how he felt about the new exhibit, Mr. Venne stated “All the old dinosaur skeletons never really did much for me. I mean, they’re dead, big whoop. But when we got this DVD box set, complete with deleted scenes and cast commentary, I knew my years of toil in this glorified mausoleum were worth it.”

Mr. Venne, slowly caressing his face with a Bones Season 3 DVD, also revealed his plan to remove each Beneski exhibit until only the Bones box set remains. “I’m still writing the petition, but once I get enough signatures the museum fat-cats will have to toss these creepy skeletons out of here.” When Muck-Rake correspondents pressed him to explain his reasoning, Venne became defensive. “Kids keep getting distracted by the mammoth skeleton and other fossils during my tours. They ignore my list of the top ten Bones Season 2 production mistakes and imagine live mammoth births instead. This is supposed to be a place of learning, and the fossils are getting in the way of that.”

Although many share Venne’s enthusiasm for the new exhibit, there do exist critics within the Amherst community, namely Professor Murphy of the Geology department. Professor Murphy voiced her concerns in an interview with the Muck-Rake earlier today in Beneski. Professor Murphy asked that she remain anonymous. To respect her wishes, we ask that you do not read her name when it appears in this article. “I’m worried that a huge attraction like the Bones DVD box set might overshadow the exhibit I curated: Rocks, An Evolving Technology?” said Professor Murphy, gesturing toward the pretty big geode she had on display. “See this? Well, I think it’s cool!”

Trembling as she spoke, Professor Murphy added: “When I voiced my concerns to Biddy, she talked me down by calling in another professor and firing her on the spot. ‘There there’ she said.”

Other critics have emerged as well. “To be honest, it’s a real missed opportunity,” lamented  Ricky Morrison ‘19 as he looked wistfully through Beneski’s glass panes. “With the money Beneski spent on this exhibit, they could have easily afforded to purchase the full box sets for both NUMB3RS and The Mentalist.”


Idiot Thinks Signing Up For 8:30 Class Will Make Him Wake Up Earlier


AMHERST, MA – Sending in his schedule with a big idiot grin on his face, idiot sophomore Elliot Sizemore proudly told himself, “this oughta give me enough motivation to wake up at a reasonable hour,” as he ignored the wisdom of his friends, relatives, and personal experience. “This course looks so interesting, I’ll WANT to wake up early” Sizemore thought, despite having already slept through his ten o’ clock class twice this semester. “It takes me about ten minutes to walk from Tyler, five minutes to shower, three minutes to shave, two minutes and three quarters to brush my teeth, forty-five seconds to get dressed, and five minutes to do the reading before class,” the idiot said to himself as he went to sleep after emailing his advisor at three in the morning. “Which leaves me ten minutes to have breakfast at Val! Easy!” At press time, he was convincing himself he would be able to go to bed at four in the afternoon.

“I Was Cooped Up In JChap With My Mom For Ten Hours.” Amherst Shares Their Parent’s Weekend Stories


Family weekend is always an exciting time to reconnect with your parents and meet those of last week’s hook-up. So we at the Muck-Rake asked Amherst Students and faculty to share their favorite stories about the weekend where we finallly reconnect with our parents after taking off on our own.

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Jack Blanchard ‘ 19

I got the “We’re here” text at about 4 AM on Friday. My parents are such early birds! But I hadn’t cleaned my room after our Thursday Narty (night party). I asked the RC where the vacuum was, then waited for the RC to contact their AC to tell them how to best answer the question, “Where is the vacuum,” then waited for the AC to hear back from the board of trustees about the vacuum location pending approval of the vacuum request form. Eventually the request went through, and I was able to vacuum my room, after a short vacuum registration process with ACPD.


Austin Haley ‘18

My dad is always watching my nightlife like a hawk. Luckily, this year he seemed a little bit more relaxed about my partying with friends after dinner. After vomiting a worm into my mouth, he said, “Have fun in Jenkins tonight my little blue bell, it’s mating season!” He’s definitely becoming more laid-back.


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Alicia Charlap ‘21

My Mom is always in my business, but whenever I tell her something, it’s like she isn’t even listening. On Saturday night she’s like, “When are we going to meet your boyfriend?” and I’m like, “Ugh, Mom, don’t you remember the LJST parent’s brunch?? He gave the keynote speech!” I mean, she should’ve figured we were a thing when I started all my questions with “Daddy.” Luckily he’s my advisor too, so I don’t have to save two different numbers on my phone. He’s committed to making a lasting change in law, so he’s well known for his passionate Op-Eds fighting against the under-representation of tall blondes in the courtroom.

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Robbie Enticer ‘19

Every year I dread parents weekend because I just know my mom is going to make that same stupid joke about the bird sanctuary. This is the fourth year in a row where she has said “this sanctuary is for the birds!” Then she vomited a worm into my mouth.

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Franchezka Santos ‘20

My parents and I like to ask big questions, like “where should we brunch?” Mom’s powerpoint on Lone Wolf’s eggs hollandaise was convincing, but couldn’t beat Dad’s interdisciplinary song-and-dance about the Jeff’s superior patio seating. But like every year, we ended up going to the mixer for Lax Dads and Field Hockey Moms at Johnny’s Tavern. Dad got wasted from Mimosa Pong and tried to flirt with my suitemate’s Mom, so we left and ended up eating in the Map Room. I was really hungry, so I ordered Eurasia.


Trent Grubsko ‘19

Family Weekend is humiliating because I am so embarrassed by my institution’s “bird sanctuary.” Luckily, my parents flew south for the winter this year. Crisis averted.



Grant Yarboro ‘20

My big sister’s a real bird brain. She flew right into one of glass panes on the new science center. And, this was after I already petitioned the school not to use Windex! Classic Amherst.



Felicia Poulet ‘20

I really got fucked in room draw this year. The bird sanctuary is so far from Val, it’s ridiculous. I mean it’s fine, because I can just fly there.  But there is just no shelf space in here! On the bright side, my parents were happy I vacuumed the place.




Eli Wallford ‘19

“This was the first year my mom could come for parents weekend, so I knew I had to show her the timeless Amherst sights. As every student knows, the only sight more classic at Amherst than the walk of shame, sperrys and salmon shorts, or pink lemonade rubi is the view from Memorial Hill. We showed up early Saturday morning, AmCo coffees in hand, and arrived just in time to see a guy exposing himself to the mountains. You know what they say: memorials are meant for schwasted dudes making shadow puppets with their dongs in the emergency beacon light. I mean, who among us hasn’t seen a sublime view, a mark of God’s touch on the earth, and thought, ‘I should show my dick to it?’ So glad mom could make the trip.”


Derrick Rose ‘19

Of course we went to the War Memorial, but this is the first time I rested my wings long enough to read the plaque. “Erected by an anonymous architect one night in 1932 , the war memorial baffled students at the time. Now it’s widely considered by historians to be the first eerily accurate prediction of World War 2. Though when first built it was a simple, blank stone, names and cities of our gold star students appeared at sunrise after battle in which they fell. It has become a vivid reminder of the sacrifices our students have made in this country’s service. The Stone desires more names. Terras Irradient.”


Bird Pritchard ‘53

This is my 60th parents’ weekend here at the nest. What a hoot! I love it here. Can you believe that when I first started teaching the students were still dinosaurs? Now I’m teaching all of their descendants who have evolved into modern day birds. Oh, how time flies!


owl-looking-at-camera-jody-trappe-photography.jpgLillian Owler ‘21

Family weekend can be really stressful as a first year student, especially when you feel like you don’t really fit in at Amherst. My mom says I just need to spread my wings and learn to fly here, but it’s really hard when your room in North can barely fit a cage and your roommate orders Wings Over Amherst almost every night!

New Bonfire Resource Center on Track for 2017 Completion



AMHERST, MA – In an effort to spark conversation with alumni about what the school is doing to be “lit” in 2017, the Office of Student affairs has created a new Bonfire Resource Center. Provided at the center will be the remaining manuscripts from the Library of Alexandria, Matches, Public computers with FREE printing (in the bonfire), hot coffee and tea (very hot), and a space for students to set things on fire, together.

During  the opening ceremony, President Martin will preside over the traditional Bonfire Reaping to select the new Chief of Student Affairs following Suzanne Coffey’s demise in the arena.