An Old Science Center, Avocados Among Possible Items to be Bought with $100,000 Cable Savings

US100000dollarsbillobverseTo help put the savings of a new cable policy into perspective for students, the Amherst IT department has released a list of potential purchases that could be made with the savings. The list, which many experts are heralding as “accurate,” “redundant,” and “I know how much $100,000 costs,” is as follows:

  • Giant clothespins in every dorm
  • An old science center
  • The avocados Val promises us if we would stop stealing plates
  • Another office for professor Sarat
  • An actual mammoth
  • Only Brazzers on every TV on campus
  • A Robocop suit for a certain Amherst College police officer
  • Less than half the monetary value of an Amherst education
  • Infinitely more than the real value of an Amherst education
  • 100,000 $1 bills
  • 60 channel-cable for every student on campus

Choose wisely, Amherst!

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“I just don’t want to sign my soul away to a bank,” says Senior with Worthless Soul

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Steadying his elbow with his offhand during a game of beer pong, Theodore Piedros ’18 told the Muck-Rake that he doesn’t want to sign his undesirable soul away to a bank. “I just think it would be so spirit-crushing and oppressive” Piedros explained as he stomped on an empty Keystone and threw it at a Freshman on his team. At press time, Piedros’ soul was mansplaining Communism to his superego.

ACPD: Noose Incident Resolved, Over, Donezo, No Further Action or Discussion Required

 

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Dear Students, Faculty, and Staff,

Now that two juveniles have been identified as the perpetrators of this heinous act of racism, the Amherst College community has no need to think about, to act on, or to talk about the noose incident ever again. The campus is clearly devoid of any form of bigotry or discrimination, so let’s just all go to sleep and forget this ever happened. You’re in the clear, OK? Move on because it’s over, it’s done.

We appreciate the patience and support of the community while the matter was investigated. Now it’s time to quietly let this one go.

-The Amherst College Police Department

Hate Crimes This Early in Year “Unprecedented,” say Racial Climate Scientists

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AMHERST, MA – Following the discovery of a rope tied into a noose on Pratt Field, racial climate scientists have released a statement calling the amount of oppression this early in the year “unprecedented.” “Usually racism, sexism, and transphobia emerges in the later fall and early winter, when people are cold and have nothing better to do than post on the internet or write slurs on bathroom mirrors,” says Danielle Hall, a researcher with the NOAA (National Ombudsmen of Amherst Alienation). “Now people aren’t even waiting until add-drop ends to tear down posters denouncing the KKK.” To avoid the most extreme effects of Amherst’s racial climate, officials recommend students stay off Facebook, be a straight white man, or put your fingers in your ears whenever anybody discusses marginalization.

#NotMySmoothieStation – Oppressive Val Policy Denies that Smoothie Recipes are a Spectrum

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Many returning Amherst students have high hopes for the upcoming year. Some students, though, have already had those hopes dashed by a cruel, regressive new policy at Valentine Dining Hall. The once-customizable smoothie station has been replaced with a narrow range of pre-made smoothies. Students with non-conforming and atypical smoothie recipes will be forced into this pre-made dichotomy.

Jessica Wetherby ’21, whose smoothie includes spinach, mango and lighter side chicken, expressed fear that her needs wouldn’t be met by the new system. “I’ve always been marginalized for my food choices,” Wetherby confessed. “I thought Amherst would be a safe smoothie space for me. But now I fear that Amherst’s smoothie fascism will be biased towards protein-rich ingredients in deference to athletes.”

As a protest of the regressive policy, students have placed a large mural of 4 empty glass cups over the drink station in the Back Room. On the bottom of the mural, there is a message written in blended yogurt and blueberries: “These Four Cups Symbolize All The Unrecognized and Uncelebrated Smoothie Recipes of Amherst College.”