A Little Unsettling: Val’s Only Entrée for the Past 3 Days Has Just Been “Birds”

Birds

AMHERST, MASS
Well this is a little concerning. Reports from Valentine Dining Hall say that the salad bar and the sandwich fixings have vanished. The soup stations are open but they’re just scalding hot water with a bunch of little papers cut from hundreds of books and magazines with the word “vase” on them. “The pasta stations had a greater variety of pasta than I had ever seen, and it was practically overflowing with the stuff. But there were a bunch of two by fours nailed to it and a really nice little sign that said ‘not eat’ so I figured I should steer clear” said Drat Bortles ‘20.

But thankfully there’s a steaming hot unplucked bird sitting up on the counter of the “traditional” line. Better grab it quick though! There’s nothing else cooking and not a soul in sight, so it must be the tail end of the dinner rush! “Honestly, I just think they’re trying a little too hard to compete with all the new Grab n’ Go updates. I mean, have you seen the sushi bar on Thursdays? It’s world class!” said Jack O’Harrid ‘18, who wished to remain anonymous. Wow. First those quick new swipe machines and now a stylish new décor update complete with fancy birds for dinner! What extremely disconcerting updates will Val attempt next?!

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Heartwarming: Accepted Students Experience the Magic of Amherst for the First Time

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Do you remember where you were the first time you walked on the quad? Try to think back. You were on the quad.

Yes, oh yes. Remember how you felt when you first stepped foot onto this earthly paradise, this ice kingdom of the liberal arts? In that moment, you knew Pomona could never compare to the slick wonderland of Western Mass.

Admitted students weekend was more than just an opportunity to get your feet wet. It was an opportunity to get your shoes wet, your socks wet, your hair wet, your pants wet, and your awesome (free!) Amherst drawstring bag utterly drenched. You come from 49 states, 112 countries, and now you have all been submerged in the frigid, invigorating hailstorm of higher education.

As you walked around the bucolic, frozen quad, you saw your future peers: people from around the world to whom you already felt connected. Finally, you could see yourself reflected in others, and others reflected in the pool of melted slush collecting outside of Merrill.

Journeying past Merrill, the power of the Amherst education struck you, as did the sign for Keefe Campus Center untethered in the 35 miles-per-hour wind. While the torrential downpour washed away the ink on your program of events, you could feel the ignorance washing away from your entire being.

Finally, you saw students and professors alike running for shelter in the deluge. Knowledge! A refuge from the cold, hard tears of incomprehension! Students! On the same frozen field as their wise teachers! Amherst! Holding you close to its Frosty bosom!

Bundle up, nerds. It’s gonna be a cold four years. Whatever terras is being irradiented, it’s definitely not here.

Formatting Is Off: Where Do We Go From Here?

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Today, at 12:38pm, President Biddy Martin issued a statement summarizing the state of the college as her office prepares for one of the biggest capital campaigns in the history of the institution. It read:

Formatting is Off

Sent from my iPad

This abrupt change in policy sent shockwaves through the president’s administration and the wider world of higher education as her already loosely-formatted staff members rushed to control the possible damage.

Dean of the Faculty Catherine Epstein was quick to react, assuring anxious thesis writers in a hastily convened press conference that formatting will not remain permanently off and is expected to return by the end of the week. A full service report from Jennifer Fite, promised Epstein, is imminent.

The Board of Trustees likewise issued a statement soon after the all-campus blast reassuring potential donors that despite this abrupt change in formatting, “the margins of the capital campaign would remain as discussed.” Chief of Student Affairs and Dean of Evil Deeds, Susan Covfefe, offered no comments on the incident.

The international diplomatic community fears this latest outburst from an already chaotic administration is a further indication of Amherst’s intentions to build a Modern Times New Roman Empire, with this surprise move being the first in Martin’s 12-pt plan. Especially damning are the implications for Amherst’s nationally competitive soccer programs, with Coach Justin Serpone reportedly ceasing varsity recruitment in response to the cessation of all headers AND footers.

Meanwhile, Apple, Inc. has hailed President Martin’s decision, calling her use of the iPad a “decisive moment” and “a major win.”

On campus, however, the atmosphere remains extremely tense. Only hours after Martin issued her polarizing statement, Muck-Rake reporters observed a column of black smoke billowing from the chimneys of the Writing Center. While there is little direct evidence of Martin’s collusion with hostile rival colleges, today’s events, in tandem with the unexpected closure of the Writing Center’s satellite consulate in Grosvenor House, seem to suggest foreign influences at play.

Though it remains to be seen how today’s watershed moment will affect the capital campaign and last name pronunciation at commencement, one thing is certain, beyond all shadow of a doubt: fOrma t  ing ; iS? ofF