Career Center Shifts Location from College Hall to Table at New York City Club PHD

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Following an internal restructuring, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning has announced that it will permanently vacate its offices in College Hall and relocate to a table in the trendy New York City nightclub PHD.

“To properly deliver guidance to Amherst students, we need to be at the heart of their professional journeys,” explained Career Center director Emily Griffen. “It’s impossible to get anyone to come in to the Center, but if you tell these kids that you’ve got a table at a club, they’ll come like bees to honey.”

“And it doesn’t hurt,” Griffen added in a whisper, “that these students are super hopped up on Adderall and cocaine. Their information retention goes through the roof.”

Rising Senior Jessica Werther, who is currently a Summer Associate at J.P. Morgan, praised the Career Center’s rebranding.

“90% of Amherst students choose their careers just so they can afford to go to places that will be impressive Instagram locations,” Werther explained. “So why not make the Career Center an impressive Instagram location in its own right?” Werther quickly glanced down at some faded writing on her hand titled “Literally Any Elevator Pitch” and added, “It’s simply a comprehensive target-demographic synergistic viral marketing appeal that has upside-potential across all platforms. In summation, Career Center x PHD is just Uber for college career services.”

In an attempt to streamline its staff, the Loeb Center for Career Exploration and Planning  has also fired all profession-specific advisors. The Center will instead employ the fathers of the Men’s Squash team, who can send an email to Gary at Goldman explaining how your grades are not at all a reflection of your professional capabilities.

Biddy Makes Executive Decision to Turn New Science Center into One Huge “Trap House”

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Amherst, MA – As the first academic year without the Socials comes to a close, President Biddy Martin has decided that the new Science Center will be better served as a raging party palace.

“TBH, the social scene has been pretty dry this year,” commented Martin in an exclusive Muck-Rake interview. “And with the construction finally taking shape, my decision seems clearer than ever. It’s time to put away those science books and get f*cking LIT.”

One specific consideration President Martin hopes to implement is the transformation of the building’s top floor into a “Biddy-themed fun factory,” characterized by German house music, non-gendered stripper performances, kegs of Pinot Noir, and intermittent explosions of confetti and excerpts from the Student Handbook. She believes these changes will better facilitate students’ transition into the Amherst community.

When asked how alumni, donors, and trustees might respond to this development, Biddy replied, “Who gives a fig about those nerds?” To supplement this new action Biddy also intends to start hosting a “pre-game” open-bar at Val on Friday nights, which will take place in lieu of the traditional salad bar. Again, when queried about concerns regarding the nutrition implications of this decision, Martin retorted, “Last I checked lettuce doesn’t get you f*cked up.”

Lastly, to prepare for the party atmosphere sure to come with the new construction, Biddy has taken it upon herself to “ice” people around campus (hiding Smirnoff Ices and requiring that they be drunk immediately upon sight). She hopes this will foster connectivity and inclusivity.

“For example, I hid an Ice in the women’s bathroom in Converse and walked in on our Registrar Kathleen Kilverton chugging it. Dean Epstein was all up in her face, calling her soft and screaming at her to finish every last drop. As I understand it, they are very good friends now.”

Varsity Athletics Point/Counterpoint: Marginalized Groups Suffer from Amherst’s Toxic Athlete Culture, Says My Black Friend, Who Is Real

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Counterpoint: Marginalized Groups Suffer from Amherst’s Toxic Athlete Culture, Says My Black Friend, Who Is Real

Matt Chooler ’17

Let’s face it: athletics are a huge part of campus, deciding where you can sit at Val to where you can party on Saturday. Unfortunately, these athletes are overwhelmingly white, which makes entering these athlete dominated spaces uncomfortable for people of color – or at least that’s what my black friend tells me, when we hang out.

We hang out all the time, and he thinks I’m really cool.

During any given dinner at Val, the backroom might host a few hundred athletes, nearly all of whom are white, and majority male. They form an implicit “in group” which excludes the diverse communities about which Amherst claims to care; all this I hear from Marshawn Lynch (no relation), my black friend, who lets me know what they’re saying “in the streets.”

According to my super cool black friend, with whom I converse almost weekly, this social segregation extends to housing, too. “If you think I’m trippin’,” says my non-imaginary friend who just bursts at the seams with melanin, “peep the dorms where the honkies be chillin’, Jenky and The Cock.” (sic) This stands in direct contrast to dorms like Marsh, which would totally accept a black person, were one to ever apply.

If we wish to break down the social barriers on this campus we must interrogate the structures that create those barriers, the most prominent of which is athletics. If we rid this campus of athletics, perhaps people will be more socially open, and I might have two or three black friends, rather than just the one, which is totally fine.

And who knows? If the stars align, I might befriend an Asian student someday.

Varsity Athletics Point/Counterpoint: Am I Wrong Just Because I’m White?

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Point: Am I wrong, just because I’m white?

Gregory Beauregard ’18

It was a day like any other: I showed up to class, ready to learn about how racism is over. But when I came in and saw the topic of that day’s discussion, a chill went down my spine. The board read, “Privilege.” Before thirty minutes had passed, the unthinkable happened. I had been called White. I had been called Male. I had been called an Athlete. I excused myself from the room,  and chugged my whole nalgene in anger. I felt I must respond.

Between the Indicator and ACVoice, all dissing athletics, someone’s gotta take a stand for the little guy, who just so happens to be big, physically. And in the majority, racially.

AC Voice is accusing us by using buzzwords that have been used so much they’ve lost all meaning, like “toxic masculinity” or “de-facto racial segregation.” How can we be part of toxic masculinity when we shower together, which is like, super gay?

How is our housing situation not diverse? If it were not for the diversity in my dorm, I wouldn’t have learned of so many different ways of lifting. Where else could you find a lacrosse player from Connecticut live right next to a football player from Vermont who’s right next to a soccer player from New Hampshire?

Athletes and regular people just lead different sorts of lives. Some might be engaging in  critical discourses about racial or class inequalities, others attempting to make breakthroughs in quantum computing research. Who’s to say smashing into people with my gigantic, bulbous skull is not just as, if not more valuable than that stuff?

I didn’t choose to have a body built for inflicting concussions. I was born this way.

And how do you expect me to sleep at night, knowing that my mother can see my Facebook statuses get only angry reacts? Is crushing ‘stones and smashing chicks really such a crime? White people, heed my call. We don’t need to be part of the persecuted majority anymore.